It’s not the first tme. I fell down a flight of stairs about 12 years ago. Nothing broken but oh the pain. So you would think I had learned my lesson. and heard the warning to stop doing and doing and doing so much. And I thought after waiting three long years for four straight walls to call my own I could cook and cleanand babysit and entertain to my hearts desire…. and I did. Until my hearts desire faded and I felt a gentle encroachment of Duty. Now that is not my favourite word. Duty. It leaves me irritated and anxious and beligerent and quarrelsome. Duty. Heavy with shoulds and oughts and have tos and musts. It weighs us down until we have to drag our feet through the mud of,” but I said I would so I have to”, and through the fields of, ” they depend on me so Ill be there”, and through the hot, dry deserts of pain and tiredness and sleepless nights of worry and despair and wishing it could all just STOP.
The step disappeared beneath me and I seemed to float weightlessly for a time and then belly flop onto the pebble covered landing seven steps below.
And as I lay there, realising I was still breathing I actually felt grateful to be alive. And yes, everything had stopped. In that moment I had ‘been’ stopped.
It will be weeks before my broken foot heals. There are doctors to see and more x-rays to be taken, but, and it’s a big fat but, I feel so protected and supported by the powers that gave me a little push. I know I missed putting on my own brake and I have no doubt They had a big chat about the degree of that push. I landed on my face and yet I did not break anything above the neck. I was protected so well I only have a few scattered bruises. The fall could have been so much worse and I know I was given an opportunity to create true balance in my life in a loving yet unmistakable way.
I always say we teach best what we most need to learn and I have been teaching how to create Balance in our lives for a very long time. What I had forgotten was how to let go of all the have tos and musts and oughts I was creating without feeling guilty and wrong. How to say no to your best friend who needs you to go shopping with her on your one free night of the week. How to say no to your son who needs a lift to the city when you were looking forward to going to the movies. How to say no with love and kindness and a degree of firmness that is understood and accepted.
The Fall is always an initiation into a higher level of spiritual awareness and growth. And although I could have avoided it had I listened to my own heart, I also know that for a second or two, I was touched by an angel who wanted me to come back to me and re-member who I am.