In only two weeks it will be one year.
A thousand years.
It feels the same to me.
Some people have said to me, “Wow, one year already . It’s gone so quickly!.”
And for those whose rich and busy lives have continued relatively unscathed, one year can fly by.
I remember when one year flew by.
When our brand new grandchild turned one. Where did the year go?
Living in a new home and suddenly it’s one year since moving in.
That first wedding anniversary.
One year since a son left home.
Staying with a friend overseas one year ago.
And yet one year can also be a thousand years.
They told me it gets easier. But they didn’t tell me it also get harder.
It’s true I don’t cry as much.
I talk to him unselfconsciously now and love imagining his responses.
I feel his presence more than ever and laugh at the synchronicities that ‘prove’ he is right here with us, his beloved family.
But it’s taken almost 365 days to get there and that’s 365 days without a hug from him. Without a cuddle, a joke, a disagreement, a cheeky raised eyebrow, a kiss.
I have probably felt every emotion imaginable.
I have probably cried two or three buckets of salty tears.
I have been overwhelmed with the compassion, caring and love from family and friends.
I have been incredulous at the silence from those that I had considered friends.
I have been touched by the thoughtful, sweet and simple ways people who I did not really know until now, have continued to connect with me almost on a daily basis.
I have been shocked by the comments from people that I thought would have known better. An example.
A person I had not seen for a few years walked up a few months ago and with a huge smile, called out, “How’s the single life treating you?” I kid you not. One of the few time in my life I was speechless.
Nearly three weeks ago I went to India. It was my 5th or 6th time but this time went with a friend.
I wanted to say ‘Kaddish” on the Ganges for Oren and I wanted to create a ceremony that was meaningful to me.
I started last March collecting stones from all the places Oren had lived. From his birth place in Haifa and from the gardens of all the homes we shared together.
I crept into the garden in Lindfield and walked around the apartments in Randwick looking for the right stone. I wandered down to Tamarrama and to Woollahra and of course where our home is now and wrapped them in a napkin bought on our first trip to India so many, many years ago.
And as I read the Kaddish, the sacred prayer for the dead, from a boat on The Mother Ganges, I dropped the stones into the water, planting forever the physical life of the love of my life, and slowly, very, very slowly I felt a year of sorrow start fall away, one ripple at a time, into the holy waters.
And a sense of joy, warm golden honey, the like of which I had not felt for a thousand years filled my heart.
In only two weeks it will be one year. Our children have carried the grief into every day, every hour, every minute. Our granddaughters have cried, and tried to understand the impossible to understand and yet stories of stars, and kookaburras, and water dragons and King Parrots that carry the energy of their darling Aba and Saba will continue to be told for another year and another and another and another.
And forever more... thank you so much for writing, for sharing, for documenting... They say Endless tears hold secrets of profound joy. I feel very blessed to be part of our tribe. Love you x
Until our last breathes. Thank you for writing, for sharing and documenting this infinitely difficult surreal time. Endless tears... shall lead to profound joy. Feel so grateful and blessed to be part of our tribe x
And we, your tribe, love you so so much darling Orlush
Dearest Sharon - I am shedding tears. Your posts always arouse the strongest of emotions in me, but this one is particularly moving. You are so articulate in your grief and you share your way of finding solace, peace. I think this 'offering' - in every sense of the word - will resonate and help many who are today meeting similar challenges.
A tear drop from my eyes but at the same time I found myself smiling. The beautiful memories are full of kindness happiness and love. He will be always with us and I am blessed to have you as my friend. Love you my dear friend.
We share that blessing dear friend
Dearest Sharon, I still remember the beautiful bouquet( about 22 years ago) of flowers Oren sent to you when I helped you for the first time with a Reiki workshop. I think it was your birthday. That day is so clear in my head. We all smelt the flowers and and said a big awwwwww!!. I hope Ganga Ma brings beautiful memories from past and the present, peace, love, joy and calm through the coming years for you and your family. God Bless!!!!!
Dearest Bunty, Thank you for sharing such a beautiful memory. I now remember that too. Ganga Ma holds my love, my joy, my gratitude and will continue to call me 'home' many many more times, please God. Thank you for your beautiful Blessings.
The rituals of love and the rituals of grief--they honour, they release, they heal. Thank you, Sharon, for sharing this beautiful ritual with us here. The ripples of healing spread and spread. Hope to connect again to the mountains sometime soon.
Thank you dear, dear Joyce. Your kindness and wise words and wise silence are etched into the walls of my home and heart. I went for a silent retreat in my home last weekend. I will let you know the next time Im there.
Eva and Bob
Dearest Sharon, it was a true joy and honor to have spent some time together with you and Oren while traveling, exploring, laughing, exchanging life stories together. It was meant to be. What was always apparent, was the fluidity of your mingled spirits, laughter, understanding, love, beauty, appreciation and family with Oren. I was so happy to see photos of your recent trip to India that you shared on FB. It was quite evident to me that not only was this a spiritually healing trip for you, but also a final earthly homage to your soulmate. I actually felt some of your grief and pain being released against the vivid, rich and colorful backdrops of India. You were very brave to go on this trip. I am sure you were guided not only by your inner strength and determination, but by Oren’s shining pure light to “let go” and continue to fill your spirit and soul with continuous love, joy, learning, teaching, and beauty. I always told my beloved Mother (and myself) during painful and sad times that “every day is a gift”. I would like to pass that on to you, dear friend. May you continue to shine and evolve, beautiful Sharon
Thank you Eva for your beautiful words and wonderful memories of our travelling together. What a blessing to meet on our Caribbean Cruise and then to travel again to Europe.I am sure you are right. I love this sentence of yours. "I am sure you were guided not only by your inner strength and determination, but by Oren’s shining pure light to “let go” and continue to fill your spirit and soul with continuous love, joy, learning, teaching, and beauty." And I am sure it is true. Thank you dear Eva. May we meet again somewhere, some day and and reignite the magic connection that exists between us.
I felt your words, tears are falling. I'm happy you have lightened your heavy load of grief a little. Sending love to you dear cousin.xx
Beautiful words. He was a great man and a friend. He is missed x
Beautifully expressed, and very moving. His memory will always live on in your ❤️. Take care of you - so glad the trip was a healing experience 💖
All my love
All my love, darling
Your words are truly beautiful... I recognise and feel many of those emotions keenly, even ten years on. Sending you love on this first yartzeit xxxxx
Wow Sharon I feel you so strongly. What a difficult journey it is for you and everyone who loves my uncle. The Ganga ceremony seemed like an amazing spiritual way to keep him and let him go at the same time. I am too looking for a way to make meaning to his loss and finding a unique way to keeping his presence alive. Thank you for this beautiful piece of writing. I love it.
dearest sharon.you expressed yourself so warmly and beautiful.g every word is so touching and strong..every word brings tears and tears my heart. oren was sooo special in every way...he always was the best to every one in his life.to me he was a real presenti got when i was 7.he was a present to the world.i will never forget him till the end of my life.love to you and the family.
How beautiful. What a beautiful way to honour your (our) Oren.... 💙💙💜💜
Just like you’ve learned grieving in the most brutal way I think I’ve learned from you too. I don’t want to ‘get over’ the grief for my loved ones. That would make me remember them less. I think we learn to live better with death. You’re here. When Oren died so suddenly maybe you wondered how you’d make it with out him. But you’re here. We’re here with you. And in a different way Oren is here too.
Thank you for sharing your love, sorrow, and journey through your thought full words and a beautiful farewell ceremony. Love and peace, dear Sharon. 🌺🌺🙏🏼🙏🏼🌺🌺
Beautiful Sharon. My heart couldn't help but open to share the agony of your grief so authentically, gutwrenching expressed and then moving into the beauty of your opening at The Ganges into Joy. What a HUGE almost 365 day journey you have been on and always surrounded by a host of extremely caring, conscious and openhearted friends and family .... forget the rest. Blessings to you, dearest friend, whose potent, artful and poetic words absolutely tell it as it is ........ Shalom
My Dear Sharon - It has taken me this long for my heart learn and to overcome the pain enough to respond. 'Hearts always hurt more while they're learning.' I'm learning, and I'm sure you are, as well. It's so painful at times! You are always in my heart, my dear connected spirit. Much Love....